Friday, February 9, 2007

Get OVER yourself!

Okay, I know I'm not in a particularly charitable mood today. But enough already from JeneetheFABulouscolumnist at my local newspaper.

This woman couldn't write her way out of a paper bag, much less does she deserve to write ON a paper bag.

Past columns have covered the following topics: mail left at an old address; wearing sweats to a restaurant when all the other ladies are in hats; a car stuck on an icy patch in a parking lot--tears ensue "'cause Ah'm gonna diiiiieeeeeee! Aloooooonnnnnne!" (we can only friggin' hope, sweetheart), and this week's topical gem LIP GLOSS. 'nuff said. 'nuff read.

My friend Kay and I share snarky remarks about her wordsmithery whenever the local rag finds it has a giant hole to fill and rather than print "Wipe butt here" they run JeneetheFABulouscolumnist's insipid drivel.

Kay has come up with a list of ideas for you, cookie. In case you can't find anymore inspiration in your Mary Kay make-up kit or the refrigerator.

Future column possibilities:

*The bottom of JeneetheFABulouscolumnist's trash bag rips out en route to the dumpster. As she's picking up garbage, she breaks a nail and wonders about the meaning of it all.

*JeneetheFABulouscolumnist's dog gets worms. It's hard to feel fabulous when transporting fecal samples to the vet. And what does all that dog doo mean, exactly?

*The cold weather makes JeneetheFABulouscolumnist's hair gel stiff causing our intrepid gal to wonder, "How can you be FABulous if you can't use hair gel and what does it MEAN?"

*JeneetheFABulouscolumnist tries a new moisturizer and finds life is worth snoring through again, especially in newsprint.

*JeneetheFABulouscolumnist has a date but there's no time to exfoliate. Can anyone love a gal who looks ashy? What if he turns out to be "the one who gets away (FAR away)?"

*JeneetheFABulouscolumnist joins ODV and two UMKC chicks who use polysyllabic words beat the crap out of her. As she delicately dabs her radiant blackbluepurplegreenyellow yeux and swelling proboscis, she stares vacantly into the mirror and wonders, yet again, what does it all MEAN?

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